In the last 4 days I’ve been involved in 3 different conversations about how we buy into our own stories and become a victim. This got me thinking about what stories I buy into – both my own and those of my clients.
Some years ago I got involved in a project to help teenagers who were struggling at school. Some of them had a Diagnosis (dyslexia, ADDH, Aspergers etc). Some of them just had messy lives. All of them had a story – reasons why their dyslexia/ADDH/abusive parent meant that they couldn’t concentrate in school, or were in a gang or were self-harming.
We taught them the different roles you can take on in life: the journalist (who writes the stories and keeps them alive); the observer (who sees the stories, knows they are happening but does nothing to change them); and the coach (who recognises the stories for what they are and creates ways to change the stories or move beyond them.
Amazingly, these teenagers really took on board the idea of moving from journalist/observer into coach in their own lives. You’d have thought they would struggle (and of course, a few of them did) but in the main they ‘got’ it. They understood that the story is not the person, and that two people with very similar stories can end up in very different places, depending on the choices they make . For example, one brother ends up on drugs, stealing to support the habit, while the other becomes a successful professional.
I’ve had a lot of my own stories in my time. One used to be that I was unlikeable and unloveable. It was bullshit, but it was a story I was committed to, and as long as I was committed to it, it dictated my experience. My current one is that I’m crap at marketing. It came about because, as a sales trainee for Esso I was profoundly unsuccessful in meeting my sales targets. The fact that that was sales, not marketing, and I didn’t believe that Esso Superlube was any better than anyone else’s engine oil is something I choose to ignore. Because that would affect my story ‘I’m crap at marketing’ and mean I would have to do something about it!
Actually I know a lot about marketing, I’ve taught it in business, I’ve helped large organisations create marketing strategies, I’ve helped other small business with their marketing. I’ve just not found a way to make it operate sustainably and consistently in my own business. So I stick to my story, and, surprise, surprise, don’t get the results from m y marketing that I want. At least not on a consistent basis.
Sometimes it’s just a question of recognising the story for what it is and then stepping out of it. Sometimes there’s some forgiving to be done – of self, of others. Sometimes we need to look at our values – what we feel is really important in life – and see how they fit (or don’t fit) with our stories. We need to remember we are not our stories. Then, knowing all that, it’s time to take action.
If you’d like help stepping out of your story, or in forgiving yourself or others, please get in touch.